Post 8 -- Introducing the felons of OkC! Or some of them anyway

I don't know what made me think of writing a post about felons. I suppose I was just bored and thinking what to write and the felon idea came to mind. Mainly because if you're a felon, why would you mention it on a dating website?

I suppose it is something that someone should mention to someone before you go out with them. I'm really curious if someone who is a felon also looks for someone who is a felon. Speaking of I did a google search and found this felon dating site. Obviously it is under construction, but I thought it was pretty funny that felons are a target audience for dating. What kind of questions would they ask?

I'm looking for someone who has murdered a puppy
I really enjoy assaulting police officers
Running around naked in public is my favorite activity
I like to steal things from Wal*Mart in my free time


I'm sure I could go on and on about that. Anyway I decided to pull a few profile snips together. Give a round of applause to the felons of OkC!

First up Dianamatrix!!!



First thing I'm wondering is why in the world does a felon have a GUN!? Is that legal? I guess if it isn't there's not much she can lose in this case. Need a housewife fast? Go get yerself a felon. Not only can she cook and clean but she'll shoot a bitch in the face! Protection and care all in one easy package!

Second to bat is GATEBOY!



The spelling in this profile = horrendous. I actually cringed reading through it. But there you have it under private things he surely is felon material. A chef you say? I like how he wants to run his own "resteraunt". I wonder what the menu would look like... Speeshalz of da day -- Crack-a-roni N cheeze... Something along those lines yeah? What does gateboy even mean? He left the gates of prison and can now fly free like a BEAUTIFUL EAGLE!

And now PlayingToWin!



This guy actually used his mugshot as his profile picture. I don't need to say anything else about this one. I did find him on wikipedia though with google image search and I GUESS he is famous for some arrest in Texas on new years with the police. You can find that here

Ahem DAVOICEOFREASuN



News flash he spelled reason incorrectly. I like how he said he's NOT anti-social yet all of his friends are online. Maybe I should be his friend. I'm also pretty sure advertising you haven't had sex in five years is not a turn on. I wonder how many times he janks it a day. I also wonder what he did to be a felon. My guess is da drugz.

I'm just gonna post two with no comments and then show you the last two whoppers I enjoyed.





Funniest one I saw was Imnotguilty which first of all made me laugh but the kicker was his profile



Again his real mugshot as a profile photo. That first paragraph though I thought was real until I realized it wasn't. That would have been pretty funny though. I'll give it to the kid, he has a good sense of humor... for a felon... ^_^

And to end it is FrauHolle She was the most shocking!



Now I'm not sure how true this all is, but that is in fact her mugshot. I couldn't find anything via image search, but if all that is true *shivers* scary.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. Let me know what you would like to see next!

Much love
Tanya

Post 7 -- Merry X-mas to you... and ME! I'm buying a vibratorrrr

Ok so I'm going to go against the grain here and not make a post about OkC or dating websites for a second because this is my blog and I do what I want. FIRST OFF HAPPY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate. Enjoy it, enjoy it lots. I'm on call, but I got to spend yesterday with my sister, brother in law and their kids and that's all that matters, plus this morning.

I'm back in Leland to be on call. Which should be a relaxing evening with John watching some movies and giggling. ANYWAY

I decided for myself this Christmas that I was going to buy a new sex toy. I'm tired of my vibrator so I said, "Meh, spend 50 bucks on yourself whatever" I'm not sure if buying a vibrator is what Jesus would have wanted me to do, but whatever. I'm not religious so it doesn't matter. I take that back, it does matter! Let me take a minute here:

Thank you baby Jesus for being born or else I wouldn't have had an excuse to buy myself a sex toy. Now I can have sex with myself instead of bar douches. You've probably saved me from getting an incurable disease.

Ok now that's out of the way

It literally took me an hour and a half to make a decision. I'm perplexed though. I ordered off of Adam & Eve's website. I wanted the free shipping so I ordered a few things and they also threw in a gift if you spend more than 29 bucks (weird number) so I went with the waterproof pocket rocket. (Why not I can use it when I'm driving or something)...

When I went to check out they also gave me an option for a "mystery toy" so OF COURSE I clicked yes. When I get my order in about a week I can't WAIT TO TELL YOU WHAT IT IS! Reading online some people got some weird ass shit. This one guy got a huge glass butt plug and another lady ended up getting like a huge double ended dildo. Obviously things MOST people would never use. I've decided if I get any of those things they might have to go on the mantle. Just sayin'

Just as a teaser I will be writing about OkC and FELONS in my next post. Which will probably be tomorrow evening. I'm still compiling all the details. Woo.

Much love
Tanya

Post 6 -- NEW LAPTOP and so it continues

Although my posting has been quite lacking, the OkC world HAS NOTTTTT... What else is new right??

I've changed my profile quite a bit since last updating and have cut some sections down. Mainly my message me if which I will post below:

I had a bunch of junk in here before. Just do it. I need some friends around here/adventure. Just don't be a complete douche ok? Have some intelligence, laugh a lot, and be healthy... I think we will do alright from there.

Sometimes I do take awhile to reply so be patient.

Also if you're a man with a sweet beard, rough hands, or an amazing ass please message me. I'll want to touch either one of those things ;)

The bolded part was the big kicker. Now these are three things I love in a man. Facial hair, ASS (oh I love staring at asses especially at work), and rough hands. Explanations... pfft I don't need any.

Regardless here are some of the responses I have gotten... with photos included...

Very small photos mind you but still. As always links to the profile if you have access. Let them bitch at me I CARE NOT.



I commend the effort. And he's not bad looking, but don't demand for me to check your ass out... or put it out there that MAYBE IF I'M LUCKY I can check it out sometime. I'll look at your ass when I want and where I want and you probably won't even know. Ok, so that was a light one to get you going. Here's a better one.



Let me start off with this guy has a girlfriend. I proceeded to mention this is in a reply. I like how "sometimes" cuddling is "some" of his favorite things as well. AND how are you born without an ass, how do you shit? How do you sit down? Is that humanly possible??? Not to mention (sorry for those guys who are out there) he's too fluffy for my taste. I prefer tall and skinny. He does not fit the bill. The thing I'm wondering is where the fuck is the girlfriend in all of this??? MIA... or he's being a weirdo... I vote both...

No response to this one, the message says it all:



Reply with comments on that one I'm interested as to whether or not I should respond still. I'm curious if he would send me a photo of his actual ass or not...(and if he does I would totally post it)

Keep em coming!



Who says gnarley anymore for one? For two... of course he likes FOOD he's stoned all the time (note the handle on his profile) and he's fluffy. I wonder if he has ever cooked kit kat lasagna. (you'll laugh at that link) What does 22 bitty mean? Am I out of the loop on cool, hip lingo now... or is that a stoner thing?

Man this is getting long my hands hurt... ok two more and then a redemption.



First off look at the lil' profile picture there. If you have access do me a favor and look at his photos... What a moustache I will say but no no no no NO. I mentioned BEARDS not your foot hair or ass hair or whatever HAIR... I can only imagine what his bush looks like. Not to mention if I was to have sex with this man (not even if he was the last on Earth) I would probably be hacking up hairballs for the rest of my life... Wookie gets no nookie... I wonder if he decides what parts he shaves and what parts he doesn't. Or if he shaves designs in his chest hair. These are the things I think about people... sue me...

Ok two more I lied above, I can't help these other two, then redemption... maybe I should have broken this up into two posts... You know what I'm going to save the other two (because I'm sure I'm going to get more gems and I'm wicked hungry) and post a second one soon... I love posting messages I get because this is what I have to deal with!!! Lately I haven't had time to respond to nearly anyone but a select few and the next guy (redemption) I did respond to and am quite pleased that I had. He's pretty gnarley (Think I might have to bring that back)



FINALLY I AM SPEEEEEECHLESS! Seriously I had no idea how to respond to him. After laughing and thinking about it awhile we exchanged messages while I was home for Turkey day and finally met up about a week ago. Can't complain. Beard is great, ass is nice, and he's not a complete douche HOW ABOUT THAT! Actually he's not really a douche at all to be honest. I'm sure if anything it will be a beautiful friendship. And for the record I'm glad he likes women asses and not men asses.

So as you can see, it's hit or miss. That or it depends on what kind of mood I'm in. Sometime later this week (I'm guessing Friday while I do laundry) I'll post some more random messages. Maybe a profile dissection. Who knows.

Much Love
Tanya

Post 5 -- I'm a slacker and a FEMALE PROFILE DISSECTION!

I know I know it's been awhile since I've written. Between starting the new job and the move I haven't had much time to sit down on the computer. Since I just finished paying bills (about 3000 dollars later) I decided it was time to scrounge some gems up.

Luckily I was in downtown Wilmington last night and received a message on my phone from JoeInWilm who directed me to a gem of a profile. Now I didn't read it yet even so this is going to be the fly by the seat of my pants dissection. The only reason why it's happening? He mentioned an interesting photo which I'll get to later. (OH THE SUSPENSE!!!)

Everybody put your hands together for MamatobeFeb8!!!



When I first looked at the intro photo I was a little confused. Mannish to say the least regardless I wanted to save the photos for last. Age 22... Ok not so bad to be having a child... maybe it's her first one... maybe it's EXCITING... boy was I wrong. Traveling down to the self summary I just had a face drop moment.

Mind you this is the longest bit in her profile. Let's see here... List o clock...

Let me list the red flags:

1. She's pregnant with another kid and has two kids she already doesn't see
2. What does my baby has a father but not a daddy mean? Isn't that the same thing? Sperm donor? Whoops I fucked some random dude and decided not to use birth control even though I already have two kids I can't support? *shakes head*
3. Going through a divorce, gee I wouldn't have guessed that one
4. She likes to flirt and tease? I think someone should edit that to "I like to suck and fuck" clearly this chic has some issues ...
5. She goes on about how you aren't obligated to message her, well hunnie I have some news. With all of that baggage listed on your profile I don't think you'll be getting very far. Clearly you failed at being a single mother twice so I don't understand what is going to be so different from the first two failures.

Ok I'm probably being a little harsh right now but I mean let's get serious here. Clearly this chic shouldn't be on a dating site let alone allowed to reproduce. A bit of a touchy subject for myself considering there are so many people out there who can't create life and then we have people like this who pop out children like it's going out of style. Then the kids turn out even more fucked up that their parents and they do the same thing! Talk about a vicious cycle. Ok enough ranting about that

The rest of her profile was kind of drab. The point being if you're going to be on a dating website you need to be honest but geez louise. If I was a dude reading this profile I would be like RUN RUN NOWWWWW.

First things people notice:



Wow she's preggo... her titties not a surprise... or her eyes!? Weird combo I'd say...



HAS KIDS AND WANTS MORE!? You couldn't even take care of 2, you have a 3rd on the way and YOU WANT MORE. This is why the world is full of a bunch of broke ass people living off of welfare but still walking around with smartphones and ugg boots... Was that a little racist, a little mean??? I don't give a shit... use some fucking birth control... and don't get on a dating website if you're squeezing kids out left and right... clearly you just want a sperm donor...

Now here's the kicker. Dating website and I go to look at her photos...



If anyone sends her a message I would be super surprised... I have no words... Enjoy that kiddos. I'm really thinking once I get a new laptop I'm going to be vlogging because this is so much effort. Comments are appreciated.

Much Love
Tanya

Post 4 -- Profile Deconstruction #1 uncutone97

Today I am just going to go ahead and pick apart a single profile. I know it’s kind of mean, but I can’t really resist doing that sometimes. And hey who knows maybe it will end up in him finding someone but I highly doubt that.

This guy was one of my stalkers so I had to check his profile out, although he didn’t have a photo for me to look at or anything. Just a match percentage, which turned out to be 84%, which he deserved with over 500 questions answered. So here’s that shot:



The name alone through me off. Uncutone97. Here’s my train of thought

1. He has a foreskin
2. 97 is significant for something, maybe when he lost his virginity, so if he’s 34 now, that means he lost it at about 19
3. 2012-34=1978 –> 1997-1978=19

Sure I’m a weirdo. So I start reading his profile.



The naked thing I was like “Ok I can live with that I’m naked a lot of the time”… Then I read his three words, which used to be on OkC towards the top of your profile but they did away with it. His three words “I’m big, fat, and horny….” GREAT. So now I have this image of a very hairy fat dude, sitting around with his uncut pean hanging out while watching pornography and thinking about the time he lost his virginity at 19… I hesitate but continue to read



Seems like this guy likes to drink and work… basically what I do… nothing to see here carry on



Good with his hands and a giggle… which means he’s talking about vagina fondling… OR maybe he’s really good at painting those little tiny figurines… since clearly he has no social life outside of drinking and work… Now that I think about it his hands probably shake too much from DTs so he probably can’t paint those little things… Ok ok, he’s good with his hands therefore he is good at picking up the pint and putting it down. GOT IT

Oral things? Like eating drinking ect? HORSE WHISPERER!? Go here for a good laugh that talks about horse whispering…. Kind of.



I got really confused here, but then when I looked at his details I noticed he was 6’7” (supposedly) JESUS FUCKING CHRIST 6’7”!? HOW DOES HE DO ANYTHING!? Now I understand why he’s naked all of the time, he can’t find any clothing that fits him…. Just snuggies… or really big t shirts… or IDK… man… by the “I was as short as you a half hour ago” I think he is referring to his “monster” penis. Which probably isn’t that monster like anyway.



So here we’re looking at the typical answers for the first two. Then sex in all ways and forms…

1. With my right hand
2. With my sex toys
3. With my left hand
4. other weird soft things

Imagination for his addiction to masturbation, his own place to hang out for privacy from masturbation, and he gets up in the morning to relieve himself of his massive morning wood… I think I got everything pinned down pretty well, how about you?



How to make your next million? Does that mean that he already has made a million!? I’d like to know.



Length of foreskin? Like how do you even measure that? Why would someone want to measure that? Why would someone want to KNOW that?



I didn’t note what he was looking for, but he doesn’t mention casual sex. For someone who has a profile filled with sex references you would think that would be something. The whole lonely thing with the message me if proves the masturbation references above.

Ok so I’m a little harsh, but honestly as a woman, would you even bother to message someone like that? Personally I think a first date would = coffee served with a side of rape.

Until next time
Much Love
Tanya

Post 3 -- Sex messages Pt 1. These people are crazy

I was thinking about writing a few things today. I’ve been going through messages from before the end of time. Seriously. These things are from 2010 and some of them are still funny to read. My profile has evolved a lot over the past how-ever many years I have had it on the site, so some messages are strictly geared towards points in my profile.

I think for awhile I was so caught up in school and so deprived of sex I mentioned something along the lines of “If I could have sex with my textbooks I would, and I would never leave my room” Thinking about it now I really need to go through my profile and weed things out. I believe when I get to NC I’ll be doing a very big revamp of everything involved.

I only say that because there is no point having a super long profile if guys aren’t going to read it. I’ve come to the conclusion that they are worse than 2 year olds and have an attention span of about three seconds.

I decided sex is the way to go with these messages today. I could write about a million blog posts with these sex messages, but I’ll start off with just this one post ... for now. Starting with my favorite as always:



Seriously? I am assuming that he means I’m sexy. I also didn’t know that guys “sucked” pussy. I thought the art of vag eating was more of… licking… and minor sucking… like on the clit or something. For some reason when I read this I think of someone putting their mouth on the vagina hole and sucking… How is that pleasurable? Not to mention the visual I have is far from pleasant. Like a hoover vacuum on... nevermind

Here’s another good one



I think he meant to say “Hello! What type of sex style do you prefer? Oh sorry that could be confusing, would you prefer to be fucked missionary or doggie style?”



This one confused me. He thought I wasn’t my age? Did I look too old or too young? Shit that was two years ago so probably young. I hope. Why would I want to dance with this guy? Ok so not really geared on sex but there was a boner inference in there. Then again he might have had to change his pants because he either shit or pissed from excitement I don't know. He jizzed in his pants... from looking at a profile.... He might have problems in the bedroom too.



I don’t think I need to say anything…. Ok maybe one thing, WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GET THAT FROM?

Now this slew of next ones made me giggle as you can see:



I’m not sure if I should be flattered or not… but then I get these next two





So he goes from me wanting to do film and making a ton of money. To wanting me. Does this mean he’s attracted to sluts? OR does this mean that he lures women in with the idea of an adult film and then decides to rape them instead. You decide.



For one I don’t have an office I have a cubicle. For two… WHAT LOVE CHAIR!? Is he going to bring this love chair or am I. What is a love chair? Is it a sex swing? I had so many questions but I just couldn’t respond. If you have the answer to any of those, leave me a comment, or email me.



Hence the one-three word disclaimer in my profile. Sometimes I’ll respond. I did for awhile because my status was always “replies rarely” or “replies selectively” or some shit like that. To increase that I thought I would respond to everyone. That’s the kind of shit I got all the time. So no, I don’t respond to short messages anymore. You can find his profile here. Let me know if you think his photos are real or fake. And ladies who knows maybe you could go have some fun... or not... I wonder if his messages actually work...

The worst one by far:



I won't lie I have used OkC strictly for hookups before and I think this message might have stemmed from it. What a weird fucking fetish. Do girls actually do this for him? I won’t lie I did talk to one guy on OkC for awhile that had a thing for girls smoking cigarettes. I used to hop on Skype and let him watch me smoke cigarettes while I did my homework. I didn’t watch him ever but I can only imagine he was shooting jizz all over his keyboard and computer screen.

Regardless these are just some of the fucked up things that I see on OkCupid. Don't forget to like my facebook page by clicking here. I'll get a like box for it soon enough when I get some time. If you think anyone else will get a laugh spread the word around. You can email me any weird stories or emails or anything for that matter that you get. I would love that.

Much love
Tanya

Post 2 -- First messages... The awkward, weird, and stupid.

In today’s news I’d like to talk about those awkward first messages you get. As a woman I personally like a message with some depth to it. I don’t want to see “Hey baby what’s up?” How am I supposed to respond to that? Even better messages where someone just says “Hi”… I get so pissed. Sometimes I just message them back and go off. Which always gets a few interesting responses. Here’s my favorite.



I suppose I should put a disclaimer in my profile “WARNING MEGA BITCH”. I understand my profile is a long read, You don’t need to read the entire thing. Skimming is fine. At least take the time to read the bottom. Where it says don’t bother if you’re message is only going to be three words…. Think he deactivated due to my meanness? Naturally I get some smart asses like this:



Still I replied. And then I get one about being a pirate in a past life? I didn’t even mention pirates anywhere… I think… where the fuck do these people come up with these things!?



Oh this was a gem…



He really laughed at himself there… No I will not cuddle with you even though Wisconsin is boring. THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW YOU’RE A NYMPHO… with your hand probably… sheeeeeyat

Another four worder!



Thanks for letting me know buddy… I don’t think I would use neat to describe myself… ever… Who the fuck says that anyway!?

First message



I hope everyone starts calling that kid. I never texted him by the way. If he gets kicked off for taking too long on OkC… how the fuck am I supposed to text him? And it wasn’t sent from the mobile ap so I’m thinking… he just needed an in to drop the number. I have no idea!

*cough*



I choo choo choose you! I never chose him, WOULD never choose him and I’m guessing quiver set that one up. Instead of using the “…” it’s “,,,” … Just looks funny. He’s on the internet he could look at a map (about 45 minutes) I did mention something about rolling down hills towards the end of my profile… I don’t think it would be an appropriate first date. Maybe like the third or fourth.

The best for last:



He just called me a druggie and a slut. Is this kid high? I don't know. To be honest I probably rated him highly because of his curly hair. He found me via quiver. I got this follow up after.



I told him I do meth sometimes. Eh. Whatever. I wonder if his way of messages works on women. I also wonder what kind of drugs he is on... bath salts mayhaps? Next thing we know he's the next face eater *shudders*

Those are just some of the gems I have. I’ll be sure to add some more of these. Maybe do a most awkward message of the month post or something . I haven’t been on much at all because I’m super occupied with the move. I am CERTAIN when I get to North Carolina and settle I will have an abundance of weird coffee dates, awesome/awful dinners, crazy bar adventures, ect… Time will tell

As usual comment, email me your stories here.

Much love
Tanya

Post 1 -- Introduction

We all know dating can be difficult. Something even harder? Internet dating… Especially as a woman. There are times when I just want to scream. You have to weed through so many different factors… just by getting little to no information on someone… unless of course they have an extensive profile… which for the most part never happens.

I've used them all, Match.com, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish... The list can go on, and on, and on. Sometimes it can be overwhelming to find a site that works for you. I however have much love for one site and have been an avid user for about 5 years….

OkCupid!

Don’t take that as me being single either for 5 years, I like answering the questions (although I’ve answered them all). Anytime I’m in a relationship I deactivate my account or put my status as seeing someone. Not only is it good for dating, but it’s great for networking and finding people who have similar interests as you. (I move around a lot)

OkCupid uses an interesting algorithm. I’m not going to get into it right now, maybe another day but just to lay down the line, you can find my profile here. Just in case you read this blog, figure out I’m busting your balls, and want to spam me, flame me, whatever me.

In my time on OkC I have had some of the weirdest messages on the planet. Not to mention some of the profiles I have seen… There are no words. So this blog is exactly what it means. I urge you if you have an account to email me some of your horror stories whether you’re a man or a woman. I know going on dates with people from OkC there usually is a conversation at one point about some horror stories. So send em to me at this address. I’ll leave you with my favorite horror story from one of my guy friends

Basically my friend had been talking to this girl on OkC for about a week. She was pretty and had big boobs he said, but she didn’t have any full body shots. All her photos were taken at weird angles

I will interject right there and say if there are no full body shots, or you can’t tell if this person is fit or how you would like them to be RAISE A RED FLAG.. You could get something like this



Or CLOSE YOUR EYES!!! THIS



Regardless they talked about meeting up. When he met this girl (which he did honestly say the only reason why was because she was funny… and her boobs were big… mostly the boobs) she was fucking HUGE…. I mean he said he was shocked, he almost thought it wasn’t her but he knew it was because they mentioned what they would be wearing… He knew then he had to go through with it

Again, I’m really nice and have never walked out or stood a date up, but in a situation like this… where the person COMPLETELY fabricates themselves… I might think about it… ok on I go…

He said it was so bad that the girl was panting and wheezing the entire date. They were in Bean town doing a lot of walking… the craziest thing… he texted his friend and told his friend to call him with an emergency to get out of the rest of the date… which was dinner… He couldn’t put himself through anymore of the turmoil… and it worked…

Now I feel really bad for this girl because he did leave, but THEN AGAIN… what does she expect? In situations like this you need to be honest and upfront… or you’re either going to get blown off, hurt, or… well… nothing…

Anyway that’s it for today. I have a few profiles stacked up and waiting to go for you, also a few funny messages with commentary… So let me know what you think of this idea… email me things you have… and enjoy!

Much Love
Tanya