Post 4 -- Profile Deconstruction #1 uncutone97

Today I am just going to go ahead and pick apart a single profile. I know it’s kind of mean, but I can’t really resist doing that sometimes. And hey who knows maybe it will end up in him finding someone but I highly doubt that.

This guy was one of my stalkers so I had to check his profile out, although he didn’t have a photo for me to look at or anything. Just a match percentage, which turned out to be 84%, which he deserved with over 500 questions answered. So here’s that shot:



The name alone through me off. Uncutone97. Here’s my train of thought

1. He has a foreskin
2. 97 is significant for something, maybe when he lost his virginity, so if he’s 34 now, that means he lost it at about 19
3. 2012-34=1978 –> 1997-1978=19

Sure I’m a weirdo. So I start reading his profile.



The naked thing I was like “Ok I can live with that I’m naked a lot of the time”… Then I read his three words, which used to be on OkC towards the top of your profile but they did away with it. His three words “I’m big, fat, and horny….” GREAT. So now I have this image of a very hairy fat dude, sitting around with his uncut pean hanging out while watching pornography and thinking about the time he lost his virginity at 19… I hesitate but continue to read



Seems like this guy likes to drink and work… basically what I do… nothing to see here carry on



Good with his hands and a giggle… which means he’s talking about vagina fondling… OR maybe he’s really good at painting those little tiny figurines… since clearly he has no social life outside of drinking and work… Now that I think about it his hands probably shake too much from DTs so he probably can’t paint those little things… Ok ok, he’s good with his hands therefore he is good at picking up the pint and putting it down. GOT IT

Oral things? Like eating drinking ect? HORSE WHISPERER!? Go here for a good laugh that talks about horse whispering…. Kind of.



I got really confused here, but then when I looked at his details I noticed he was 6’7” (supposedly) JESUS FUCKING CHRIST 6’7”!? HOW DOES HE DO ANYTHING!? Now I understand why he’s naked all of the time, he can’t find any clothing that fits him…. Just snuggies… or really big t shirts… or IDK… man… by the “I was as short as you a half hour ago” I think he is referring to his “monster” penis. Which probably isn’t that monster like anyway.



So here we’re looking at the typical answers for the first two. Then sex in all ways and forms…

1. With my right hand
2. With my sex toys
3. With my left hand
4. other weird soft things

Imagination for his addiction to masturbation, his own place to hang out for privacy from masturbation, and he gets up in the morning to relieve himself of his massive morning wood… I think I got everything pinned down pretty well, how about you?



How to make your next million? Does that mean that he already has made a million!? I’d like to know.



Length of foreskin? Like how do you even measure that? Why would someone want to measure that? Why would someone want to KNOW that?



I didn’t note what he was looking for, but he doesn’t mention casual sex. For someone who has a profile filled with sex references you would think that would be something. The whole lonely thing with the message me if proves the masturbation references above.

Ok so I’m a little harsh, but honestly as a woman, would you even bother to message someone like that? Personally I think a first date would = coffee served with a side of rape.

Until next time
Much Love
Tanya

Post 3 -- Sex messages Pt 1. These people are crazy

I was thinking about writing a few things today. I’ve been going through messages from before the end of time. Seriously. These things are from 2010 and some of them are still funny to read. My profile has evolved a lot over the past how-ever many years I have had it on the site, so some messages are strictly geared towards points in my profile.

I think for awhile I was so caught up in school and so deprived of sex I mentioned something along the lines of “If I could have sex with my textbooks I would, and I would never leave my room” Thinking about it now I really need to go through my profile and weed things out. I believe when I get to NC I’ll be doing a very big revamp of everything involved.

I only say that because there is no point having a super long profile if guys aren’t going to read it. I’ve come to the conclusion that they are worse than 2 year olds and have an attention span of about three seconds.

I decided sex is the way to go with these messages today. I could write about a million blog posts with these sex messages, but I’ll start off with just this one post ... for now. Starting with my favorite as always:



Seriously? I am assuming that he means I’m sexy. I also didn’t know that guys “sucked” pussy. I thought the art of vag eating was more of… licking… and minor sucking… like on the clit or something. For some reason when I read this I think of someone putting their mouth on the vagina hole and sucking… How is that pleasurable? Not to mention the visual I have is far from pleasant. Like a hoover vacuum on... nevermind

Here’s another good one



I think he meant to say “Hello! What type of sex style do you prefer? Oh sorry that could be confusing, would you prefer to be fucked missionary or doggie style?”



This one confused me. He thought I wasn’t my age? Did I look too old or too young? Shit that was two years ago so probably young. I hope. Why would I want to dance with this guy? Ok so not really geared on sex but there was a boner inference in there. Then again he might have had to change his pants because he either shit or pissed from excitement I don't know. He jizzed in his pants... from looking at a profile.... He might have problems in the bedroom too.



I don’t think I need to say anything…. Ok maybe one thing, WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GET THAT FROM?

Now this slew of next ones made me giggle as you can see:



I’m not sure if I should be flattered or not… but then I get these next two





So he goes from me wanting to do film and making a ton of money. To wanting me. Does this mean he’s attracted to sluts? OR does this mean that he lures women in with the idea of an adult film and then decides to rape them instead. You decide.



For one I don’t have an office I have a cubicle. For two… WHAT LOVE CHAIR!? Is he going to bring this love chair or am I. What is a love chair? Is it a sex swing? I had so many questions but I just couldn’t respond. If you have the answer to any of those, leave me a comment, or email me.



Hence the one-three word disclaimer in my profile. Sometimes I’ll respond. I did for awhile because my status was always “replies rarely” or “replies selectively” or some shit like that. To increase that I thought I would respond to everyone. That’s the kind of shit I got all the time. So no, I don’t respond to short messages anymore. You can find his profile here. Let me know if you think his photos are real or fake. And ladies who knows maybe you could go have some fun... or not... I wonder if his messages actually work...

The worst one by far:



I won't lie I have used OkC strictly for hookups before and I think this message might have stemmed from it. What a weird fucking fetish. Do girls actually do this for him? I won’t lie I did talk to one guy on OkC for awhile that had a thing for girls smoking cigarettes. I used to hop on Skype and let him watch me smoke cigarettes while I did my homework. I didn’t watch him ever but I can only imagine he was shooting jizz all over his keyboard and computer screen.

Regardless these are just some of the fucked up things that I see on OkCupid. Don't forget to like my facebook page by clicking here. I'll get a like box for it soon enough when I get some time. If you think anyone else will get a laugh spread the word around. You can email me any weird stories or emails or anything for that matter that you get. I would love that.

Much love
Tanya

Post 2 -- First messages... The awkward, weird, and stupid.

In today’s news I’d like to talk about those awkward first messages you get. As a woman I personally like a message with some depth to it. I don’t want to see “Hey baby what’s up?” How am I supposed to respond to that? Even better messages where someone just says “Hi”… I get so pissed. Sometimes I just message them back and go off. Which always gets a few interesting responses. Here’s my favorite.



I suppose I should put a disclaimer in my profile “WARNING MEGA BITCH”. I understand my profile is a long read, You don’t need to read the entire thing. Skimming is fine. At least take the time to read the bottom. Where it says don’t bother if you’re message is only going to be three words…. Think he deactivated due to my meanness? Naturally I get some smart asses like this:



Still I replied. And then I get one about being a pirate in a past life? I didn’t even mention pirates anywhere… I think… where the fuck do these people come up with these things!?



Oh this was a gem…



He really laughed at himself there… No I will not cuddle with you even though Wisconsin is boring. THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW YOU’RE A NYMPHO… with your hand probably… sheeeeeyat

Another four worder!



Thanks for letting me know buddy… I don’t think I would use neat to describe myself… ever… Who the fuck says that anyway!?

First message



I hope everyone starts calling that kid. I never texted him by the way. If he gets kicked off for taking too long on OkC… how the fuck am I supposed to text him? And it wasn’t sent from the mobile ap so I’m thinking… he just needed an in to drop the number. I have no idea!

*cough*



I choo choo choose you! I never chose him, WOULD never choose him and I’m guessing quiver set that one up. Instead of using the “…” it’s “,,,” … Just looks funny. He’s on the internet he could look at a map (about 45 minutes) I did mention something about rolling down hills towards the end of my profile… I don’t think it would be an appropriate first date. Maybe like the third or fourth.

The best for last:



He just called me a druggie and a slut. Is this kid high? I don't know. To be honest I probably rated him highly because of his curly hair. He found me via quiver. I got this follow up after.



I told him I do meth sometimes. Eh. Whatever. I wonder if his way of messages works on women. I also wonder what kind of drugs he is on... bath salts mayhaps? Next thing we know he's the next face eater *shudders*

Those are just some of the gems I have. I’ll be sure to add some more of these. Maybe do a most awkward message of the month post or something . I haven’t been on much at all because I’m super occupied with the move. I am CERTAIN when I get to North Carolina and settle I will have an abundance of weird coffee dates, awesome/awful dinners, crazy bar adventures, ect… Time will tell

As usual comment, email me your stories here.

Much love
Tanya