Post 8 -- Introducing the felons of OkC! Or some of them anyway

I don't know what made me think of writing a post about felons. I suppose I was just bored and thinking what to write and the felon idea came to mind. Mainly because if you're a felon, why would you mention it on a dating website?

I suppose it is something that someone should mention to someone before you go out with them. I'm really curious if someone who is a felon also looks for someone who is a felon. Speaking of I did a google search and found this felon dating site. Obviously it is under construction, but I thought it was pretty funny that felons are a target audience for dating. What kind of questions would they ask?

I'm looking for someone who has murdered a puppy
I really enjoy assaulting police officers
Running around naked in public is my favorite activity
I like to steal things from Wal*Mart in my free time


I'm sure I could go on and on about that. Anyway I decided to pull a few profile snips together. Give a round of applause to the felons of OkC!

First up Dianamatrix!!!



First thing I'm wondering is why in the world does a felon have a GUN!? Is that legal? I guess if it isn't there's not much she can lose in this case. Need a housewife fast? Go get yerself a felon. Not only can she cook and clean but she'll shoot a bitch in the face! Protection and care all in one easy package!

Second to bat is GATEBOY!



The spelling in this profile = horrendous. I actually cringed reading through it. But there you have it under private things he surely is felon material. A chef you say? I like how he wants to run his own "resteraunt". I wonder what the menu would look like... Speeshalz of da day -- Crack-a-roni N cheeze... Something along those lines yeah? What does gateboy even mean? He left the gates of prison and can now fly free like a BEAUTIFUL EAGLE!

And now PlayingToWin!



This guy actually used his mugshot as his profile picture. I don't need to say anything else about this one. I did find him on wikipedia though with google image search and I GUESS he is famous for some arrest in Texas on new years with the police. You can find that here

Ahem DAVOICEOFREASuN



News flash he spelled reason incorrectly. I like how he said he's NOT anti-social yet all of his friends are online. Maybe I should be his friend. I'm also pretty sure advertising you haven't had sex in five years is not a turn on. I wonder how many times he janks it a day. I also wonder what he did to be a felon. My guess is da drugz.

I'm just gonna post two with no comments and then show you the last two whoppers I enjoyed.





Funniest one I saw was Imnotguilty which first of all made me laugh but the kicker was his profile



Again his real mugshot as a profile photo. That first paragraph though I thought was real until I realized it wasn't. That would have been pretty funny though. I'll give it to the kid, he has a good sense of humor... for a felon... ^_^

And to end it is FrauHolle She was the most shocking!



Now I'm not sure how true this all is, but that is in fact her mugshot. I couldn't find anything via image search, but if all that is true *shivers* scary.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did. Let me know what you would like to see next!

Much love
Tanya

Post 7 -- Merry X-mas to you... and ME! I'm buying a vibratorrrr

Ok so I'm going to go against the grain here and not make a post about OkC or dating websites for a second because this is my blog and I do what I want. FIRST OFF HAPPY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate. Enjoy it, enjoy it lots. I'm on call, but I got to spend yesterday with my sister, brother in law and their kids and that's all that matters, plus this morning.

I'm back in Leland to be on call. Which should be a relaxing evening with John watching some movies and giggling. ANYWAY

I decided for myself this Christmas that I was going to buy a new sex toy. I'm tired of my vibrator so I said, "Meh, spend 50 bucks on yourself whatever" I'm not sure if buying a vibrator is what Jesus would have wanted me to do, but whatever. I'm not religious so it doesn't matter. I take that back, it does matter! Let me take a minute here:

Thank you baby Jesus for being born or else I wouldn't have had an excuse to buy myself a sex toy. Now I can have sex with myself instead of bar douches. You've probably saved me from getting an incurable disease.

Ok now that's out of the way

It literally took me an hour and a half to make a decision. I'm perplexed though. I ordered off of Adam & Eve's website. I wanted the free shipping so I ordered a few things and they also threw in a gift if you spend more than 29 bucks (weird number) so I went with the waterproof pocket rocket. (Why not I can use it when I'm driving or something)...

When I went to check out they also gave me an option for a "mystery toy" so OF COURSE I clicked yes. When I get my order in about a week I can't WAIT TO TELL YOU WHAT IT IS! Reading online some people got some weird ass shit. This one guy got a huge glass butt plug and another lady ended up getting like a huge double ended dildo. Obviously things MOST people would never use. I've decided if I get any of those things they might have to go on the mantle. Just sayin'

Just as a teaser I will be writing about OkC and FELONS in my next post. Which will probably be tomorrow evening. I'm still compiling all the details. Woo.

Much love
Tanya

Post 3 -- Sex messages Pt 1. These people are crazy

I was thinking about writing a few things today. I’ve been going through messages from before the end of time. Seriously. These things are from 2010 and some of them are still funny to read. My profile has evolved a lot over the past how-ever many years I have had it on the site, so some messages are strictly geared towards points in my profile.

I think for awhile I was so caught up in school and so deprived of sex I mentioned something along the lines of “If I could have sex with my textbooks I would, and I would never leave my room” Thinking about it now I really need to go through my profile and weed things out. I believe when I get to NC I’ll be doing a very big revamp of everything involved.

I only say that because there is no point having a super long profile if guys aren’t going to read it. I’ve come to the conclusion that they are worse than 2 year olds and have an attention span of about three seconds.

I decided sex is the way to go with these messages today. I could write about a million blog posts with these sex messages, but I’ll start off with just this one post ... for now. Starting with my favorite as always:



Seriously? I am assuming that he means I’m sexy. I also didn’t know that guys “sucked” pussy. I thought the art of vag eating was more of… licking… and minor sucking… like on the clit or something. For some reason when I read this I think of someone putting their mouth on the vagina hole and sucking… How is that pleasurable? Not to mention the visual I have is far from pleasant. Like a hoover vacuum on... nevermind

Here’s another good one



I think he meant to say “Hello! What type of sex style do you prefer? Oh sorry that could be confusing, would you prefer to be fucked missionary or doggie style?”



This one confused me. He thought I wasn’t my age? Did I look too old or too young? Shit that was two years ago so probably young. I hope. Why would I want to dance with this guy? Ok so not really geared on sex but there was a boner inference in there. Then again he might have had to change his pants because he either shit or pissed from excitement I don't know. He jizzed in his pants... from looking at a profile.... He might have problems in the bedroom too.



I don’t think I need to say anything…. Ok maybe one thing, WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GET THAT FROM?

Now this slew of next ones made me giggle as you can see:



I’m not sure if I should be flattered or not… but then I get these next two





So he goes from me wanting to do film and making a ton of money. To wanting me. Does this mean he’s attracted to sluts? OR does this mean that he lures women in with the idea of an adult film and then decides to rape them instead. You decide.



For one I don’t have an office I have a cubicle. For two… WHAT LOVE CHAIR!? Is he going to bring this love chair or am I. What is a love chair? Is it a sex swing? I had so many questions but I just couldn’t respond. If you have the answer to any of those, leave me a comment, or email me.



Hence the one-three word disclaimer in my profile. Sometimes I’ll respond. I did for awhile because my status was always “replies rarely” or “replies selectively” or some shit like that. To increase that I thought I would respond to everyone. That’s the kind of shit I got all the time. So no, I don’t respond to short messages anymore. You can find his profile here. Let me know if you think his photos are real or fake. And ladies who knows maybe you could go have some fun... or not... I wonder if his messages actually work...

The worst one by far:



I won't lie I have used OkC strictly for hookups before and I think this message might have stemmed from it. What a weird fucking fetish. Do girls actually do this for him? I won’t lie I did talk to one guy on OkC for awhile that had a thing for girls smoking cigarettes. I used to hop on Skype and let him watch me smoke cigarettes while I did my homework. I didn’t watch him ever but I can only imagine he was shooting jizz all over his keyboard and computer screen.

Regardless these are just some of the fucked up things that I see on OkCupid. Don't forget to like my facebook page by clicking here. I'll get a like box for it soon enough when I get some time. If you think anyone else will get a laugh spread the word around. You can email me any weird stories or emails or anything for that matter that you get. I would love that.

Much love
Tanya

Post 1 -- Introduction

We all know dating can be difficult. Something even harder? Internet dating… Especially as a woman. There are times when I just want to scream. You have to weed through so many different factors… just by getting little to no information on someone… unless of course they have an extensive profile… which for the most part never happens.

I've used them all, Match.com, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish... The list can go on, and on, and on. Sometimes it can be overwhelming to find a site that works for you. I however have much love for one site and have been an avid user for about 5 years….

OkCupid!

Don’t take that as me being single either for 5 years, I like answering the questions (although I’ve answered them all). Anytime I’m in a relationship I deactivate my account or put my status as seeing someone. Not only is it good for dating, but it’s great for networking and finding people who have similar interests as you. (I move around a lot)

OkCupid uses an interesting algorithm. I’m not going to get into it right now, maybe another day but just to lay down the line, you can find my profile here. Just in case you read this blog, figure out I’m busting your balls, and want to spam me, flame me, whatever me.

In my time on OkC I have had some of the weirdest messages on the planet. Not to mention some of the profiles I have seen… There are no words. So this blog is exactly what it means. I urge you if you have an account to email me some of your horror stories whether you’re a man or a woman. I know going on dates with people from OkC there usually is a conversation at one point about some horror stories. So send em to me at this address. I’ll leave you with my favorite horror story from one of my guy friends

Basically my friend had been talking to this girl on OkC for about a week. She was pretty and had big boobs he said, but she didn’t have any full body shots. All her photos were taken at weird angles

I will interject right there and say if there are no full body shots, or you can’t tell if this person is fit or how you would like them to be RAISE A RED FLAG.. You could get something like this



Or CLOSE YOUR EYES!!! THIS



Regardless they talked about meeting up. When he met this girl (which he did honestly say the only reason why was because she was funny… and her boobs were big… mostly the boobs) she was fucking HUGE…. I mean he said he was shocked, he almost thought it wasn’t her but he knew it was because they mentioned what they would be wearing… He knew then he had to go through with it

Again, I’m really nice and have never walked out or stood a date up, but in a situation like this… where the person COMPLETELY fabricates themselves… I might think about it… ok on I go…

He said it was so bad that the girl was panting and wheezing the entire date. They were in Bean town doing a lot of walking… the craziest thing… he texted his friend and told his friend to call him with an emergency to get out of the rest of the date… which was dinner… He couldn’t put himself through anymore of the turmoil… and it worked…

Now I feel really bad for this girl because he did leave, but THEN AGAIN… what does she expect? In situations like this you need to be honest and upfront… or you’re either going to get blown off, hurt, or… well… nothing…

Anyway that’s it for today. I have a few profiles stacked up and waiting to go for you, also a few funny messages with commentary… So let me know what you think of this idea… email me things you have… and enjoy!

Much Love
Tanya